It is interesting to me how some people are just not good at taking advice, even a healthy dose of constructive criticism. Personally I do all right, I however am into “self improvement”, and tend to enjoy hearing others perceptions of my interactions and personality. I have my fair share of proud moments as well, where I can be very defensive about what I thought I did quite right, or at least the theory behind why it *should have been right*.
It’s a 12-step program, but physical instinct is in the way…
Becoming one with criticism is really a transformation of one’s perception of the situation. As a natural defense mechanism our minds will defend our position through adding adrenaline (the fight or flight syndrome) as we perceive the situation to be turning threatening. This is a defense mechanism that will keep you alive when used correctly, but can have a detrimental effect when not controlled in a modern society - after all, we’re not being chased by lions and bears anymore.
Sure, it’s can be a quite unpleasant situation to be proposed by another that you are a flawed human being - and they recognize it. Many people get mad, stomp their feet, cry, and scream, become anti-social or resort to violence. All of these reactions are normal. Our pre-disposition to a “threatening” situation is the fight (anger, yelling, violence) or flight (crying, anti-socialism) - so don’t get mad at me, I’m just telling the truth! 
But what we do have over other beings on this Earth is logic and reasoning - and this is how we turn the tables.
Step 1: Counter the Natural Response (Guard Down)
No matter what we will have the adrenaline shot into our bloodstream and begin sending us in the wrong direction, but this is when you can gain control. When being offered criticism or unfavorable/strong suggestions (let’s call these things “advice” from now on), when you’re getting “advice” from someone first realize you are not being threatened, especially not in a way that demands a strong physical response. Stay calm and breathe, do not talk, fidget, or walk away. Uncross your arms and get in a comfortable physical position.
Step 2: Control Perception (Open Up)
Once you have slowed the flow of adrenaline and increased oxygen flow to the brain, you are ready to begin taking over the situation with logical control. Use reason and logic to establish there is no danger. Tune in to their voice and what they are saying, re-iterate to yourself who this person is and what they mean to you - admit their intent is in your favor. Realize that in-fact you *are* a flawed and imperfect human being, and this is a part of learning and becoming better. Just like working out, it is good to have a coach and learn from others - and the opportunity for growth is presenting itself to you.
Step 3: Seal those Lips (Listen)
The best way to lose good advice is to open your mouth. Whether it is agreeing with the other or defending your position - just keep quiet. Giving advice typically consists of 3 stages: they will begin with a preview of the problem, possibly with a question to establish their ground, move into providing examples (shhh… listen), and then offer you suggestions on improvement. Take time to sort through everything inside your head. Be careful not to disregard the general piece of advice because of a few minor inaccuracies. Listen for the “bigger picture” of what they are trying to say to you, and realize that giving constructive advice is just as hard as receiving it. Let them talk, a simple nod or “sure is enough to let them know you are listening.
Step 4: Humble Yourself (Learn)
Admit it… we are all wrong more often than we would like to admit. Although we prefer to paint ourselves as near-prefect individuals to people, showing strength business and personal, the reality is far from perfect. I do it all the time, usually even tend to be wrong more than I am right - but I ask you to please keep reading I recall often some advice I received from my father when I was a young(er) business man… “Scottie, be humble. Be humble when you speak to others and when they speak to you.” This helped me tremendously both personally and professionally - especially as there is an unfortunate issue of youth-prejudice at times, which I fully understand. Being humble means realizing you are imperfect, being open to learning, keep quiet at the right times, and be self-confident.
Definition from Wikipedia:
Humility is the state of being humble. While people may have different ideas about the meaning of humility, a protypical humble person is generally thought to be unpretentious and modest: someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others.
Step 5: Reanalyze (Sort Through)
Now that you have opened up to advice and listened to it, now it is time to complete the learning process. Hopefully if you did a good job listening, there were a few things you learned from the advice you received. Possibly there was an example that hit home, once you were humble enough to admit it. Possibly you were able to take a suggestion and envision a way to use it in the future. It is now time to take the advice you received, all of the examples and suggestions and process them, apply some additional humility to the examples to find more ways to improve. Process the advice you received, as well as some you found on your own and take these suggestions to heart. Apply them to real-life scenarios in the past, and think about how to use them in the future.
Step 6: Increase Awareness (Observe)
Now that you know what you are looking for, begin looking for others around you who may be using what you have learned. Many say the best way is to lead by example, and by observing others you can find a passive yet powerful opportunity to see it in action. You will also begin noticing folks who may be in need of the advice you received as well, which provides you with a unique opportunity to look at “yourself” in action. Take what you learn from those around you and begin modifying your strategy, or create options for yourself incase some of the ideas do not work out. While you can, live vicariously through those around you!
Step 7: Implement (Execute)
Lights, Camera, Action! You have a chance to use what you have learned and implement it. Either the situation has presented itself again or you took the bull by the horns and decided to act. This is truly the hardest part of all 12 steps and takes a TON of brainpower; you will need to continually tell yourself how to implement the advice. Telling yourself to walk the extra mile, not to slouch in your chair, to be less confrontational - whatever the advice is, keep reminding yourself of it. Do not lose yourself however, maintain harmony with your control of the situation and keep paying attention to the details you have already perfected. Make mental notes on easy and difficult areas, as well as things that are aiding or denying your success.
Step 8: Progress Check (Look Back)
The hardest part is over, time to look back at the situation and review the mental notes we took during that strenuous exercise. This is a time for refinement of the process, where you keep, toss, or modify ideas you tried in order to use the advice you had received. Come up with new and more creative ideas, think of other situations, and review your past again to find other examples where you had difficulty. Chances are you have been in this sort of situation before in your life, and it is always easier to learn from past examples than have to repeat them in trial-and-error again.
Step 9: Get Feedback (Survey)
The first seven steps are focused on receiving and implementing the advice you received. Once you have been successful using advice someone has provided, it is a good idea to take your humility a step further and actually solicit for advice from those around you. Do not just walk down the street or call all of your friends and ask them if you’re a great person or not. Ask those around you who you *respect*, and who are close to you for their “honest opinion on how I can do better.” This can be a broad question or fairly narrow, but be careful not to get too narrow - allow then adequate freedom to provide you with the raw feedback you asked for. It is likely you may have to convince them that you will not take offence, that you actively seek advice in hopes to implement it. As well, sometimes the best raw feedback can come from new people or semi-strangers, as they might be less worried about offending, sugarcoating, or tailoring the feedback. Also, please be sure to avoid disrupting certain relationships by soliciting feedback, especially in business. If they ask for your feedback in return, just beware that they may not handle it as well.
Step 10: Appreciate “Advisors” (Thank)
Like I said, giving advice can be just as hard as receiving it. It is not easy to tell a friend, family, or business partner that there’s some way they are failing, or can do better. They ran a high risk by providing advice; your natural “fight or flight” reaction was very likely to have a negative impact on the relationship. When you receive advice, and after you have successfully implemented it, you are now an improved person. There are two people you should be sure to thank for your progress: Yourself for making it happen, and the person who brought it to your attention in the first place!
Step 11: Provide Others “Advice” (Practice)
You have now come full swing in receiving, using, and respecting this unique opportunity to self-improve. You have opened your eyes to your surroundings as well, and have been able to see where you were not the only one who was in need of some improvement. Avoid becoming a preacher, and definitely avoid providing unsolicited advice on a regular basis - especially in sensitive circles or situations. Remain Humble. Providing advice many times can come across to the other as if you are putting yourself on a pedestal, and at their expense. Sometimes the best way to give advice can be by presenting the suggestion as a gentle breeze, guiding them in a direction of least resistance. Remember to empower them as the ultimate decision-makers. Most people are smart enough to take a good idea or a subtle hint and begin to chew on it, the ultimate result being the desired outcome - improvement. Avoid talking about yourself, outright offending them, and dictating their life - they will accept your advice more readily.
Step 12: Seek “Advice” Regularly (Maintain)
If we reached complete perfection we would end up in Heaven or reaching Nirvana - and if you are still showing up in the mirror then there is still work to be done. Many times improving yourself is not a simple cheer at the beginning or end of the day, or being observant in a certain situation, but rather takes a few hundred reminders through a full conscious day in order to make a real, lasting change. This especially rings true for people who may be trying to quit smoking or drinking, drugs, nail biting, posture, swearing, attitude, depression, eating habits, burnout, breakup/divorce, etc. Most of what we do as humans are habitual or instinctual, and require a powerful and regular mental opposition in order to make the change successfully. Continue to work at advice you have received in the past, and continue to solicit and work on future improvements. Best of all, look inside yourself and self-improve.
“Be humble Scottie…”
Thanks Dad.
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